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Showing posts from 2011

Kristine Holmgren for President

Thank you, thank you, thank you - no. After long conversations with my family, my neighbors, my cat, my neighbors' grandchildren and a pedophile acquaintance who moved back to Stillwater last week, I must again, decline the opportunity to represent you all as President of the United States.  Official - I will not seek, nor will I accept, the Republican Party's nomination in 2012.  I hope this clarifies. Please - stop sending contributions.  Going forward, all donations to my campaign will go directly to the Kristine Holmgren Mortgage fund held in escrow by the lender who screwed up my credit back in '07. I throw the full power of my support behind whoever wins the nomination, and trust she will play her appropriate role in history.

THEATRE IN THE ROUND PLAYERS is the venue for the staged reading of SWEET TRUTH

Free admission to a STAGED READING of this new comedy by former Star Tribune columnist, Kristine M. Holmgren.  SWEET TRUTH The staged reading of a new comedy by former Star Tribune columnist Kristine M. Holmgren Wednesday, January 11 at 7.P.M.  Hosted by  Theatre in the Round Players  245 Cedar  Minneapolis, MN Admisison free - Champagne and cupcake reception following!   Based on dating experiences as a divorced single mother, Kristine Holmgren wrote her new comedy, SWEET TRUTH, as a light-hearted gift to the Twin Cities theatre community.  "I've been talking about these guys for years," Holmgren said, "even written about them.  But I've never put them into dramatic action before!" Sweet Truth tells the story of a single mother facing mid-life alone.  Desperate to find a partner, Bernice Fairfax is becoming dangerously addicted to on-line dating despite the strange men she meets.  This is Holmgren's third play, and the second to appear in

AUDITIONS - SWEET TRUTH at Theatre in the Round

AUDITIONS   for the staged reading of my new play, Sweet Truth were announced today. They will be held on Friday, December 9, 5-7 PM and Saturday, December 10 12 Noon - 2:00 PM at the following location: Blank Slate Theatre, 499 Wacouta Street Saint Paul, MN 55101 The performance is scheduled for Wednesday, January 11th at Theatre in the Round Players,  245 Cedar Avenue, Minneapolis, MN. Put it on your calendar!  Champagne and cupcakes following the performance - - and a lively discussion of the play! See you then! 

The rock, the girl, and the hope for freedom

An ordinary rock.  Nothing special, nothing important. Once upon a time there was a rock. An ordinary rock.  Nothing special, nothing important. Except for this.  Under this rock lived an entire civilization. A entire world of creatures who crawled, pro-created, lived and breathed the stifled, filthy air the rock allowed. They were tiny critters; limited in imagination; ugly, useless but not evil. They lived within the boundary of birth.  Their boundaries were harsh, settled and heavy.  They were, after all, the boundaries of the rock's edge. Beyond their little. dark and limited world was grass, sunshine, the traffic of others, fresh oxygen.   But under their rock they enjoyed dark, moist, fertile, worm-laden comfort.  Always they had a choice, of course.  Like all creatures, every day they had the opportunity to scurry beyond the edge of the heavy, hard, dead rock that comforted them.  They could scatter into possibilities, golden daylight, rain and snow.

The Sparrow and the Robin - for my brother

Walking the talk

Remember the SLUT WALK?   Come on.  You remember. I know you remember Remember how the organizers promised us their movement was more than the "sensationalism" behind the irritating title? How they want to stand up for victims - want to speak on behalf of survivors of rape and sexual assault? Remember how they took your money and promised future action? Herman Cain might one day be President of the United States. So, where are they when we need them? This past week, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, trashed, damaged and denyed four women who dared to call him out on past sexual harassment claims. Why are SLUT WALK leaders (and the 1400 Minnesota SLUTS who support them) not speaking up in support of Karen Kraushaar, Sharon Bialek and the other women he assaulted? If there were ever a time in our recent history when women needed other women, this is it.  Not that long ago Less than two months ago, SLUT WALK promoters promised us that the only w

Silenced by those who should love us

Somewhere, out there, people are afraid to voice opinion. I know this for fact, because so many have asked where I get my "courage." We're living through a sad and anxious time, when those who disagree are shamed into silence, and those who bully are allowed to advance.  Ideas still matter.  Words still hurt.  No two people see the world in the same way.  And without the freedom to advance a contrary opinion, we are all slaves. This past week, I've received violent, angry, frightening emails and phone messages from obviously inebriated, drugged and illogical people, threatening me because I spoke my opinion on the Slutwalk. Without contrary opinion, we are all slaves. Their rage and threats concern me; not for the reason one might expect. I'm not intimidated by obscenity or conflict.  Nor am I silenced by irrational people. I do know, however, many people who choose to not speak because they are afraid of the backlash.  I know strong, forthright me

Media, message and misogyny - Slutwalk hurts Minnesota women.

Don't ask.  I won't be there. Don't try to sell me a tee shirt.  I don't want your bumper sticker.   I'm not a slut.  Nope.  Never have been.  Never will be. And I don't think the "Slutwalk" teaches anyone anything.  (Click this link to see my interview with Kare 11 news.) The men lined up along the side of the road, wearing "I love sluts" tee shirts are a bit too titillated by this thing to make me comfortable. In my experience; when men are amused, women lose. Slutwalk organizers don't agree.  They like the attention - from the men, from the media, from the mob. The organizers actually say the following as a justification for using the "s" word: "Now that we have your attention. . ." Too late.  Too sad. Too ignorant of message, media and the politics of misogyny. I'm afraid this whole thing is too insulting and demeaning to teach anything to anyone. No - this "march" will not c

Having a little trouble with your metaphors? Is that what's bothering you, Bunky??

Announcing!   The Annual English Teachers' awards  for best student metaphors/analogies These gems were found in actual student papers!   Enjoy!  His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one havi

Nothing attractive about "mellow"

Have you ever been mellow? Olivia Newton John sang a song in the 1970s that drove me a little batty. The lyrics were something like, "Have you ever been mellow?    Have you ever let someone else be strong?" The words bug me because, no; I can't say I ever have.  Been "mellow," I mean.  We made a difference There came a time in the 1970s when the quest for "mellow"was endemic.  The previous decade left us exhausted.  We had tried for a decade to change everything about our world;  our families, our love-relationships, our racial relations. We wanted a world with clean air and water, trees and wildlife. And we made a difference.  Because of our protest, more women moved into the work force.  Because our brothers and friends burned their draft cards, the war in Vietnam was shortened and the draft eradicated.  Because we dared to instigate, Jim Crow laws dissolved into history. His administration hated dissent. But we did these things a

The bad mommy in us all

I'm writing a play about motherhood. All of my plays, in one way or another, are about my relationships with my two daughters. This play, in particular, is about the following; my biological and much-loved mother, the woman who mothered me with her friendship - and a serious critique of my own job as a mom. For the past twenty years I've taken credit for my kids' lives. For the past twenty-something years I have taken full credit for my daughters' wonderful, creative and excellent lives. I guess that's not a sin.  Lately, however, it occurred to me that most of the work raising these kids was done by the people we all hung around, and the messages they received from the media. Of course, I controlled most of the media when they were little binks. . . I don't know.  Maybe I was right in the first place.  Maybe I'm the main source of their success! My mother certainly thought the same thing of herself. Of course, I agreed with her.  There&#

For love or money

I found the chops to walk away. I used to think I needed a $60 thousand salary to make ends meet. I was terrified to leave my well-paid position as a curriculum writer for a here-unmentioned online university. Even so, on October of 2008, as the market crashed and the Great Recession terrified the nation, I found the chops to walk away from a job that made me sick. In those days, my "boss" was a thirty-something frustrated poet, trying to find her inner "tough-guy" at the workplace.  I liked her.  I really liked her. No matter.  For some odd reason, she chose to try out her new Nazi skills on me. Surrounded by people twenty, thirty years younger does not have to be a bad experience.  The harsh stuff happens when you are treated like a child by most of them, and ignored by the others. I remember the first time my staff went to "happy hour" - my entire staff, mind you - and didn't invite me. My feelings - - my poor, baby-tender hearted

Fewer and farther between. . .

Haven't seen much from me lately, I know. . . I'm writing a new play - and have several deadlines this fall.  The title is "SWEET TRUTH," and the staged reading is November 3 at Theatre in the Round Players, in Minneapolis. I'll be posting more when the writing slows. . . Check back - and thanks for your support!! 

Nightmare of fascism still terrifies

( Here, by request - is the reprint of the essay published by  Pioneer Press, Chicago Tribune, NPR Common  and throughout the internet.  First published November 20, 2001. Still holds true, don't you think? )  I had the dream again. It is a Technicolor, not-ready-for-prime-time dream, spiced with foul language and blood-chilling foreboding. In my dream, I am held captive in the front seat of a shabby sedan by a fat, dark haired man with a gun. I sit as far from him as I can, silent in my fear. The nauseating foreshadow of death floats through the air of the grubby automobile. I squirm as my obese captor brags about how easy it was to trap me. Piece of cake, he snorts. All he had to do was follow me for a week and study my predictable life. He knew where I went for coffee, where I bought my groceries, how often I take out my garbage. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I say to my dreaming myself. Why didn't I change jobs? Why didn't I move from my

Dear Kristine - I look at the Republicans and wonder. . . Why doesn't God love me?

Dear Kristine - You're an ordained Presbyterian minister, right? I lost my job in 2008. So - I figure you know a few things about God and stuff. Can you help me with this little problem?  I wonder why God created a worm like me? And if I'm not a worm, why is God so unkind to me and so loving to people like Tim Pawlenty and his attractive wife, Mary? Here's my sad tale. I lost my job in 2008.  Since then, my home has gone into foreclosure, my oldest child got pregnant by her no-good boy friend. In 2010, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer - but I can't get treatment because I don't have health insurance. Even so, I've had this sense that God loves me - that I have something to look forward to. Until today. Today, someone sent me this Republican video, promoting Pawlenty's religious faith .  When I saw Tim and Mary,  how happy they are, I realized how awful it must be for God to look at such a loser as I. I have been a faithful perso

Gays, lesbians, and the question that pushes history

Should men be allowed to marry men? Women be allowed to marry women? I don't know if anyone should ever be "allowed" to marry. My feeling about marriage is as skewed as you might expect from a twice married, retired cynic. But that's the point, isn't it? Why should my feelings about who marries whom mean anything to anyone? Although I have no dog in this fight, I was thrilled with the recent decision in New York. I guess I'm in good company. Hollywood elites are twittering their delight over the news. Apparently Steve Martin was so enthused, he proposed to Alec Baldwin. My inability to get up a strong opinion on who marries whom doesn't seem to stop my state legislators from spending their time fantasizing over the sex lives of lesbians-in-love and gay men. Here in Minnesota, we're gearing up for an amendment to our state constitution to make certain the marriage of homosexual or lesbian couples never happens on our sacred soil. Asking

Another day in la-la-land. . .

Few of us afforded a winter vacation this year. The economy crushed our plans for Hawaii . We're not the kind of people who complain, however. The tulips were extraordinary this spring, and the tomatoes are budding early. As we say in Minnesota, things "could be worse." The problem is, they probably will. Like the rest of the nation, our state legislature is populated with people who don't care if government shuts down. Although our governor has offered concessions to the far-right agenda, the men and women elected by the Ipod addicted "Dancing With the Stars" gang are running with scissors and taking us with them. There's an election in seventeen months- -an opportunity to change the mood of this nation. I'm not sure Obama is brave enough, strong enough or convicted enough to raise a middle class in America. I do know, however, that his rhetoric is pure. I'm watching for candidates who won't leave us here; who care about this

Wiener ettiquette or, Ten rules to keep Mr. Wiener under wraps

You never think it will happen to you. You're out to dinner with a colleague; a 62-year-old balding clergyman you have known for over forty years. You know his wife, you admire his children. He's always been a little in love with you; you know this. Still, he's a consummate gentleman and you're always comfortable in his company. You're a little charmed by his hearing aids, and the way he snorts, ever so slightly, when he laughs. Then, after three glasses of Pinot Noir, he reaches for his cell phone. "I have something," he says, "I want to show you. A picture I took today. I get so excited when I think of you." Yup. It happened to me. Let me make one thing perfectly clear - I'm not the kind of woman men expose themselves to - in any shape or form. I'm no babe. I'm more of a dumpling than anyone's darling. So, if this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. The experience made me wonder, what's wro

Kristine Holmgren's ebook flying off the shelf! Gotta Kindle? Get this book!

I always thought that mature men would make mature mates. I was so wrong. After my unfortunate divorce from my indifferent and distant husband, I convinced myself my romantic life was not over. I was, after all, only 50-years-old. My children were nearly grown; the best was still before me. So, like so many women singled in the 20th century, I turned to the internet to meet the man of my dreams. Okay, okay, okay - maybe my expectations were a little out-of-line. Nonetheless, I persevered. Years. Yes, years. Too many, truth be told. Some of us are slow learners. It took a while for me to get real about dating after fifty. But when I finally woke up and smelled the coffee, I decided the caffeine was no longer my beverage of choice. I decided to become a fan of cranberry/apple juice - and to walk away from the whole scene. But before I walked, I trolled the ponds for every available fish in the sea. My book is about my adventures in risk-taking, my courageous

Tim Pawlenty: The bully who would be King

"I try not to say that God is on my side, but I strive to be on God's side." - Tim Pawlenty This is the tale of a bully who ruined Minnesota and tried to destroy me. Now, he stands ready to be named as Vice President running mate for the Republican candidate for President of the United States. I was Chaplain for less than two months at the Minnesota Department of Corrections Facility at Shakopee when one of Pawlenty's men told me to shut up. It happened during new employee training.  I asked one-too-many questions about a new program coming to the Shakopee women's facility; the InnerChange Freedom Initiative.  InnerChange Freedom Initiative (IFI) is a faith-based prison ministry founded by Chuck Colson. If the name rings a bell (or, sets off an alarm) it is because Chuck Colson is a convicted felon; a Watergate conspirator who spent time in federal prison.  (See below for a brief overview of Colson's criminal history.) Abusing Christianity, a