Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Five good reasons to stay single

I know, I know.  You're a little lonely.

You're not getting any younger.   The biological clock is ticking, and  all your brothers and sisters are married.

So, you're beginning to worry.  Perhaps you've been to fussy.   Maybe you should lower your standards.

You know a few acceptable men.  True - none of them ring your chimes.  But maybe you need to revisit your former criteria.

Before you make that sows ear into a Gucci bag, consider these five romantic deal breakers.

If your guy falls into any of these categories, take a deep breath and step away from the man.

1. He doesn't share your spiritual values.  

He loves Krishna and you've got a serious thing for Mohammad. 

He  doesn't think old people have immortal souls and wishes men could get pregnant so he could have at least one abortion. 

When he was old enough for "Confirmation," he announced his affection for Satanism.  About the same time, he began to test the "nine lives theory" on several neighborhood cats.   

Sorry.   The handwriting is on the wall, toots.  When it comes to faith-systems, if he's not in sync,  it's as grim as you think.  Or worse.  A whole lot worse. 

2. He's emotionally vacant.

He never calls his mother.  He evades the IRS and is hounded by bill collectors.   And when his autistic son got too big for him to handle, he divorced his wife, put the boy in a county home for profoundly retarded children and began to hide his assets. 


3. He doesn't understand finances. 

His dining room table is covered with unopened bills from his creditors.   He confesses he doesn't believe in 401Ks, and doesn't trust an employer stupid enough to match his contribution.

He sends cash each month to a mysterious off-shore investment group.  And he asks you to pay for your own dinner.

 4. High expectations

He says he never wants to live in a "used" house, and he loves over-sized, leather furniture.  He wants veto power over any china pattern you choose, and he only drinks Perrier with a twist.  Of fresh mint.

He refuses to learn to iron his own shirt, and a former girlfriend to cleans his apartment.  For free.

5: Self Satisfaction 

He doesn't walk into a room - he saunters. He never asks directions, even when the two of you cannot find the movie theatre. 

At first you thought all of this stemmed from confidence.  Then, you began to notice his lack of imagination and ambition.  

And he might be lazy.  The weeks grow three feet tall in his garden, and he doesn't seem to notice. He refuses to walk his dogs - and insists on owning Irish Elk Hounds. 

Darling, dead "Dear Abby" would say (if she were still with us), "Wake up and smell the coffee, stupid"


Okay, okay, okay.  Maybe she wouldn't call you names.

But you get the picture.

The best thing to do with any of these bozos is run.

As fast as you can.

And tonight, when the stars shine through your tiny kitchen-for-one window, take a silent moment to count your blessings.

Make yourself a tall mug of green tea, light a candle and breathe a prayer of thanksgiving for your freedom.

Because here's the truth the fairy tales never share.

Having a man does not always mean living happily ever after.

Most of us are as happy as we decide to be.

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