Monday, April 30, 2012

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

My momma didn't raise no potty-mouth girl. 


I was almost thirty years old when I first uttered the infamous "effenheimer."

My late, great, and forever friend Sheila Shanley was in the room at the time.

"Thank God," she said.  "I was beginning to think you were retarded."

Nope, I assured her.  Not retarded.  Raised by Swedes.

Growing up Swedish


When you grow up surrounded by Swedish immigrants, the presence of the "effenheimer" is akin to the close of the age; the second coming of Christ; the hell-fire and damnation promised by the writers of the Apocalypse narrative.

"People who use that word show how stupid they are," my mother said.  "And nice girls show how smart they are.  All the time."

We can unpack that statement another time.

Trust me when I tell you, my mother's unfailing wisdom about smarts, vocabulary, righteousness and decency screwed up my entire life.

And made me the woman I am today. 

Keeping it clean


The effenheimer stands alone as the one socially explosive word that demonstrates poor-breeding.  At least, that's what my working class mom and dad taught me.

And so began a life of guilt and self-disdain, every time the nasty little "f" word slipped out.

Last night, after three, four glasses of wine, it slipped out a whole lot.

We were talking about gender issues - about the way men treat women.  The conversation was co-educational; the men in the room educated, thoughtful, sincere.

The "f" word would not have emerged if I hadn't introduced it.

Yup.  That makes me all the more uncomfortable today.

That's why, first thing - when the sun came up this morning - after the alcohol fog cleared, after the guilt set in, I sent an email to everyone who had to put up with my foul mouth.

A big, fat apology.

Shame means never having to say "I'm sorry." 


 So, here's the deal.  If I were really as committed to working a full, real, decent and ethical vocabulary, I wouldn't have a morning after.  Right?

To find the answer to that burning question, I phoned my seventy-something-year-old cousin, Gretchen. 

She too, was raised by Swedes.

"Don't sweat it," she said.  "We all love you.  You get to use the 'f'' word once in a while - like all the rest of us."

All the rest of us?  The rest of us?

You mean, other Swedes swear?  In polite company?

"Damn right," she said.  "We don't want to look retarded."


O dear.

I'm sure she means, "cognitively impaired."

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Mad Men all over the frickin' place

The myth of the ideal worker: new workforce, outdated workplace

by Lauren Aguilar on Monday, April 16, 2012 - 9:23am
Man in suit cira 1930 (Wikimedia commons)
Man in suit circa 1903 (Wikimedia Commons)
At 6:30am he gets dressed for work, eats a home cooked breakfast, and says good-bye to the wife and kids. He tackles the workday with single-minded focus. He is available to stay late or take a business trip at the drop of a hat. After a long workday, he returns home to dinner and relaxation, while his wife takes care of the meal, home, and kids. No, this scenario is not from an episode of Mad Men. While it seems to parody an outdated lifestyle, it is not far from what we expect of employees today. The “ideal” worker is perpetually available, has no outside responsibilities or interests, rarely gets sick, and prioritizes work above all else.
The lives of workers have changed, but society’s idea about what constitutes an ideal worker has not.  The tension between work expectations and personal lives can put the interests of employers and employees at odds. But does it have to be this way? Professors Joan Williams and Mary Blair-Loy spoke about their research at Stanford as part of a multi-university working group organized by the Clayman Institute. Their work will be published in a forthcoming special issue, “The Flexibility Stigma,” in the Journal of Social Issues.

Today’s workforce: More than breadwinning fathers and stay-at-home mothers

In the myth of the ideal worker, employees can maintain a single-minded focus at work because they have full-time support at home. Current trends in labor statistics point to a broader array of family working arrangements. Since 1950, the sharpest workforce increase is among mothers of young children. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 48% of married couples are in dual-income households where both the man and the woman work, and there are more working mothers than there are working fathers in the U.S.
In many cases, the expectation of extreme work is at odds with the needs of the family. Workers are expected to prioritize work, yet they no longer have the backstage support at home to do so. With an uncertain economy, staying at home is a luxury most families cannot afford. Parents are expected to take care of the home and family, as well as provide income.  This conflict is not only felt by working parents. With baby-boomers aging, workers are increasingly engaged in eldercare.
While our lives have changed, expectations of what we can do at and for work have not kept pace. Williams and Blair-Loy examine the tenacity of the ideal worker myth.

Competing Devotions by Mary Blair-LoyAmerican work devotion

Blair-Loy’s research examines the underpinning of extreme work expectations: our all-encompassing work devotion. In her book Competing Devotions, Blair-Loy defines work devotion as a cultural ideology that “defines the career as a calling or vocation that deserves single-minded allegiance and gives meaning and purpose to life.” This ideal is embedded in our culture, organizational practices and policies, such that most of us take it for granted without noticing its presence.
Work devotion is deeply ingrained in the psychology and ideals of the “American Dream.” As a culture, we strive to be self-made and nurture the individualistic notion that if we work hard enough we will succeed. This devotion is influenced by the Protestant work ethic that hard work is the duty and the measure of worth of individuals.
In interviews with corporate executives, Blair-Loy finds that work devotion not only defines our assumptions about work, but also instills moral and emotional commitment to it. It gives the worker a sense of identity, competence, belonging and purpose. It is highly seductive—there can be a pleasure to overwork and a collegiality between over-workers. One research respondent said “The pace, getting up in the morning with a rush of adrenaline. Every day we'd be coming into work to do impossible things.  The whole team would work to do it…there were no barriers to what we could accomplish to forward the mission of the organization.”
Blair-Loy’s research shows how devotion at the top can become a standard for an entire organization. Those who personify work devotion are more likely to be promoted, obtain more power, and then demand work devotion from their subordinates. High-level executives endorse work-devotion more than those at lower levels, reinforcing the cycle of extreme work expectations.
Blair-Loy illustrates that high-ranking workers, who often have backstage support at home, use work devotion to validate traditional work structures. One male CEO described his workers as “bleeding and dying” for plum jobs to explain why he would not offer-part time work. In Blair-Loy’s ongoing research, male executives felt little work-life conflict, since their wives took family responsibility. Work devotion can blind those at the top to the needs of their workforce.

Enforcing the myth

Today’s workers feel the pressure to conform to ever-increasing work demands without backstage support to manage the rest of their lives. One proposed solution to this conflict is flexible schedules. Best Buy Corporate Headquarters implemented the Results-Only Work Environment, for example, to allow workers to decide how and when work was completed. Managers focus on what is completed rather than on time in the office. This new approach increased productivity and reduced turnover rates by 46 percent. In other words, it nearly cut their recruitment, hiring and training costs in half.
If Best Buy’s novel approach produced strong work results and reduced turnover versus the “bleeding and dying” of extreme work, why haven’t more workplaces implemented similar arrangements?
Williams explains that flexibility is not widely used because workers who seek flexibility are devalued by “flexibility stigma.” Like wearing a Scarlett Letter, flexibility stigma can lead to social disgrace or even discrimination in the workplace. It demarcates anyone—men and women both—who draw attention to their caregiving responsibilities by requesting parental leave, reduced hours, or a flexible schedule. While American work devotion ideals generate extreme work standards, flexibility stigma threatens to punish those who violate those standards.
Inside the Work Family DebateIn her book Reshaping the Work-Family Debate, Williams explains that flexibility policies are often “shelf paper” for good public relations, but workers’ fear of repercussions fuels low usage rates. One study showed that 33% of professors did not request needed parental leave because they feared career penalties. Flexibility seekers’ fears are well founded. Those who request flexible arrangements for family care are seen as poorer organizational citizens—less committed, competent and deserving of rewards. For example, part-time lawyers are perceived to be “time-deviants” because billable hours largely measure excellence and commitment.
While Williams’ research shows the darkside of flexibility, she remains optimistic about the potential for flexible work to deliver better results for companies and workable lives for employees. She believes a win-win is possible if we alter our conception of the “ideal worker.”

Workplaces of the future

Instead of looking to past practices, both Blair-Loy and Williams praise companies willing to experiment with entirely new structures and ways of thinking about work. As with the Best Buy example, the company experimented with a new performance structure and benefitted from reduced work-family conflict and turnover rates. Perhaps the “secret sauce” has yet to be discovered. But the research conducted by Williams, Blair-Loy, and the group of academics and professionals organized by the Clayman Institute, may just deliver the smart frameworks needed for companies to succeed.
Mary Blair-Loy is an Associate Professor and the Director of Graduate Studies & Founding Director at the Center for Research on Gender in the Professions at the University of California San Diego.  She uses multiple methods to study gender, the economy, work, and family.  Blair-Loy explicitly analyzes broadly shared, cultural models of a worthwhile life, such as the work devotion schema and the family devotion schema. These cultural schemas help shape workplace and family structures.
Professor Joan C. Williams is Distinguished Professor of Law, UC Hastings Foundation Chair, Founding Director of the Center for WorkLife Law at the University of California, Hastings College of the Law.  According to The New York Times, "she has something approaching rock-star status" among work/life advocates. She has authored or co-authored seventy academic articles and chapters and five books.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Rules to live by

Never be embarrassed by things that make you happy. 

Never say "no" when you know "yes" is in your soul. 

Never apologize for your art. 

Never buy a house with a flat roof. 

And never, never have a drink with a married man.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The five most common regrets of the dying

A hospice nurse recorded and published the following.  When your time comes, what will be your deepest regret?  Be thankful for the time to correct and change. 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Sunday, April 8, 2012

For those who still believe. . .

Easter Day

by Oscar Wilde

The silver trumpets rang across the Dome:
The people knelt upon the ground with awe:
And borne upon the necks of men I saw,
The Sea of Galilee
Like some great God, the Holy Lord of Rome.

Priest-like, he wore a robe more white than foam,
And, king-like, swathed himself in royal red,
Three crowns of gold rose high upon his head:
In splendour and in light the Pope passed home.

My heart stole back across wide wastes of years
To One who wandered by a lonely sea,
And sought in vain for any place of rest:

'Foxes have holes, and every bird its nest.
I, only I, must wander wearily,
And bruise my feet, and drink wine salt with tears.'

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Former Northfielder finds success as a playwright

Friday, April 6, 2012