Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wiener ettiquette or, Ten rules to keep Mr. Wiener under wraps

You never think it will happen to you. You're out to dinner with a colleague; a 62-year-old balding clergyman you have known for over forty years. You know his wife, you admire his children.

He's always been a little in love with you; you know this. Still, he's a consummate gentleman and you're always comfortable in his company. You're a little charmed by his hearing aids, and the way he snorts, ever so slightly, when he laughs.

Then, after three glasses of Pinot Noir, he reaches for his cell phone.

"I have something," he says, "I want to show you. A picture I took today. I get so excited when I think of you."

Yup. It happened to me.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear - I'm not the kind of woman men expose themselves to - in any shape or form.

I'm no babe.

I'm more of a dumpling than anyone's darling.

So, if this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

The experience made me wonder, what's wrong with these guys? Have they forgotten the basic rules of human interaction; don't show your wee-wee to anyone?

In response to this horrific interaction (which ended a forty-year friendship and devastated me for weeks), I sought out the following rules for wiener exposure. I share them with you and hope they lead to more respectful, thoughtful approaches to that critical moment, when the wiener asks to be invited to the party.

For those of you who all ready know the best ways to control your wiener, please accept this review of simple etiquette as a brief (probably necessary) refresher tutorial.
Rule #1) Don't show your wiener to the other schoolchildren. Even if you think they might be impressed.

Rule #2) Your wiener is not welcome to dinner unless it is invited. No surprise show-ups.
 This is especially true if your wiener is thirty - years -old, or older. 
Rule #3) "If you show me yours, I'll show you      
mine" is not funny. Not even if you offer to show yours first.
Rule #4) The power of the wiener is nothing compared to the power of the press. Never whip out your wiener to a truth-telling journalist or a prolific blogger. (Ahem) 

Rule #5) Your wiener is created to be camera shy. If your wiener insists on having his picture published, it's time to have a talk with it and explain a few things. This is called "counseling." Your wiener will feel most comfortable if you accompany it into therapy. Resist your desire to video record this counseling session and post it on Facebook.
Rule #6) If you get caught showing your sixty-two-year-old wiener to anyone, it is not an acceptable excuse to say, "I only did it to show you my prostate so you'd understand why I have to pee every half hour..."

Rule #7) If your wiener had its own hands, it could take its own photo for you. But since it doesn't, it can't. Don't lie to me and tell me you don't know who took the picture unless you think I'm as stupid as your ridiculous wiener.

Rule #8) When you get caught trying to expose your wiener to a woman, tell her "Blame it on bad judgement!" She won't care - she'll still be freaked - but she'll agree. Bad, bad judgement.

Rule #10) This is the most important rule: Never let your wiener do your thinking. This is actually a sensible rule for Congressmen, husbands and every Presbyterian clergyman I've ever known, come to think of it.
Finally - if, in spite of all your best intentions, you cannot stop yourself from taking a picture of your wiener, do us all a big favor.

Keep it to yourself - or better yet, do a quick two step.

Peek once, delete.

Then, get over yourself.

1 comment:

  1. One vagrant thought: This was "a 62-year-old balding clergyman you have known for over forty years."

    Leaving aside that Weiner is maybe 48, I've been reading a lot lately about men in their 60s engaging in sexually foolish behavior with women, usually 20 years their junior.

    "Have they forgotten the basic rules of human interaction?" Mebbe. Is this one of those life-stage developments that have always gone on but is rarely spoken about, until this era? I have no answers.


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